One of the cartoon series that really defined the ’90s was a little cartoon called Doug. Doug Funnie was the star of this mild-mannered show that aired on Nickelodeon from 1991-1994. Fortunately, Disney picked up Doug and re-branded it Brand Spanking New! Doug in 1996, also laying claim to the coolest title of a show ever, as “brand spanking new” is always appropriate in any situation. Heck, our friend Mr. Funnie even got a feature film: Doug’s 1st Movie, implying that there would be others. Sadly, a sequel entitled Doug’s 2nd Movie, or the thrilling capper to the trilogy, Doug’s 3rd Movie, never took place.
Do I poke fun at the blandness of the movie titles? You bet. But that was Doug Funnie. He was normal, bland, and a bit like Cory Matthews, and we all know that’s a great quality to have.
But, I’m not here to talk about Doug’s blandness, his love for The Beets, his goofball friend Skeeter, his love for Patti Mayonnaise, his art-house reject sister, or that one episode where he tried to be a ventriloquist (”Da doy dought the dasketdall!”). No no, I’m here to talk about Quailman.
You wish your dog was this cool.
Yes, Quailman was a figment of Doug’s imagination (kinda like Calvin’s “Spaceman Spiff” in Calvin and Hobbes). But, he was still, without a doubt, one of the best superheroes of our time, and truly underappreciated. Allow me to explain to you why Quailman is even better than who some claim to be the greatest of all time, Superman.
1. Quailman doesn’t hide the fact that he’s wearing underwear over his pants.
Me? I like a superhero that’s honest with me. Superman, just come on out and say it: there’s no point to those red briefs you’re wearing over your blue tights. You think they look cool. They make no sense. Quailman is very blatantly wearing tighty-whiteys over his giant shorts, and he makes no effort to hide it. Honesty is something I look for in a role model. Quailman has it in spades.
2. Comes from the planet “Bob”.
Quailman doesn’t sit and putz around with annoying, elaborate backstory. He’s from Bob, and he fights crime. He’s not a child of Jor-El from Krypton. He’s from Bob. End of story. Move on.
3. Powers we all can relate to.
Superman’s powers? Leap tall buildings, beat a bullet in a foot race, can push big trains out of his way. That’s all fine and dandy, but what have you done for me lately? Heck, even Batman is hard to relate to: I don’t have a giant cave, elaborate costumes, gadgets with the word “bat” in them, and money coming out of every orifice of my body. Quailman has none of this. He has patience, intelligence, and speed. We all can relate to that. It’s something to aspire to. Add that in with his honesty, and you’ve got yourself a goal in life.
4. He’s got a dog.
Quaildog, played by Doug’s pooch Pork Chop, walks around dressed up like him and gets him out of tight spots. I want one of those.
5. Easy Halloween costume.
Sweater vest? Check. Belt on the head? Check. Big khaki shorts? Check. Tighty-whiteys? Check.
Look, if you need proof of this one, just do a Google image search for “Quailman”. Half of them are real-life people dressed up as him. He hasn’t been on TV in almost ten years, but he’s still got fans.
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